Gaga-Gate

The controversy surrounding Luke Loy's product launch party, or Gaga-Gate as I like to call it, has been the most entertaining thing in the Journal since the Surkamp Saga.

"You wouldn't believe the stir this has caused here. The kids in school are arguing about it, co-workers are arguing..."

However, since the Journal Powers That Be have been the fun police lately (i.e. lame Journal Junctions), they've closed down the comment sections. Luckily, though, the "Official" Adam Lambert site has a pretty entertaining forum on this hot debate: will Lady Gaga and Adam Lambert grace J. Co. with their presence? Stay tuned...

For the sake of everyone involved I really hope this event is for real. I also must confess that much like OK Magazine and Pop Rocks, Lady Gaga is one of my guilty pleasures. *hangs head in shame*

I Can't Work Under These Conditions

For the past month or so, Journal Junction has been extremely dissappointing. Most days it's lack thereof or, when there more than 3 JJ's, they're either too long or just straight up LAME. It's getting to the point that Hints from Heloise is more entertaining. What's an anonymous blogger to do?!

I just can't work with material like this:

March 1

"From Martinsburg:

 In 2008 and 2009, Social Security deducted $96.40 for my Medicare medical insurance. My deduction for 2010 is $221 per month, reducing my Medicare check by $125. So much for no tax increase for less than $250,000 a year."

Thanks for the math lesson: DON'T CARE!

March 5

"From Kearneysville:

 The Potomac Market Place shopping center in beautiful downtown Ranson needs a gas station desperately. After shopping in Weis or perhaps eating a delicious meal at Panera's, you, as the handsome, above-average individual, come out to your vehicle and begin the trip home only to find the fuel needle touching "E." In a panic, where can you go? Charles Town? You'll never make. Kearneysville? You've got to be joking."

Above-Average Individual, Under-Average Intelligence

March 8

"From Martinsburg:

 The Martinsburg Bon-Ton is giving away a free gift at the Elizabeth Arden counter when you spend $24.50 or more! It's a great value and the free gift has a lot of goodies."

Or I could just read the Bon-Ton circular that comes with the paper

March 11

"From Martinsburg:
 To the Martinsburg caller complaining about Barack Obama's budget: This is the first time the costs of the two wars have been included in the budget. The prior administration funded the two wars with appropriation bills that added to the deficit. Then there was the program to subsidize the cost of prescription drugs for the elderly that benefited the drug companies and not the people. Also, you need to consider the 2004 policy of sending jobs overseas, so unemployment is not cheap. But, hey, the Republicans have the answer: Do away with Medicare so that the retired people can add to the profit of the health care companies."

Stop being a pansy and just write a letter to the editor

March 12

"From Arden:

Here's a suggestion for the Berkeley County Sewer Department: They can follow suit with the U.S. Postal Service and only flush five days a week, or build a second floor in their main office and rent out the space."

Close to being a good one, yet somehow misses the mark
I BEG of you, Journal Readers, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE come out of hibernation and start submitting some JJ's that give me a reason to cross the road and get my paper every morning.

I am faster than 80% of all snakes.

When I saw this story on the front page of today's Journal, one name came to mind:

Dwight Schrute

Why don't cows have any money?

Because farmers milk them dry.

"From Kearneysville:

Do you hear that ear-splitting moooo? It's only the Route 9 construction project being milked for all it's worth!"

And On Your Left is Looney Liberal Lane

'From Martinsburg:

In response to the "Cry Baby Corner" caller: How about having a separate column called Looney Liberal Lane. Then you folks could have a section for radical ideas and morally compromising thought. Now that your savior, Barack Obama, isn't doing anything but taking us even further into debt after promising the world to you Kool-Aid drinkers, you move on to the next big thing, which apparently is labeling all white Republicans as racists."

Oh yeeeeeeaahhh!

Next on the Agenda, World Peace

Street gangs worry leader: may lead to broken nails.

It seems as if our local Beauty Queen/Race Track Rep/D-Jefferson Delegate has decided to take on street gangs, but in a nice way.

"It's a graduated offense mechanism," Lawrence said, adding that the intent was to avoid further overcrowding of West Virginia's jails.

"In five years time, are we going to be saying we would've, should've, could've?"

"This is needed. I'm afraid that with drugs and alcoholism [AND GAMBLING], comes criminal activity."

Meet Your Average Voter

"From Berkeley Springs:

I'm the reader who incorrectly stated that Shelly Moore Capito voted yes for the health care reform bill and then complained about how much it was going to cost. I would like to thank The Journal for clarifying my incorrect response, and I also would like to thank The Journal for helping me understand that Shelly Moore Capito is a Republican. Yes I will indeed vote for her this time. Thank you."

I just don't know where to begin: this makes my head hurt. I think it's time to start playing the SOTU Drinking Game now.
 

Padded Poles = Problem Solved

Apparently one of Mainstreet's new campaigns should be teaching people how to walk.

"It's going to take more than "INVIO to get the downtown going. Need to get rid of the telephone wires and poles like our neighbor Charlestown did and build some nice condos."

You know, I just hate it when I'm out shopping and run smack dab into one of those pesky telephone poles. Perhaps the Brits have the right idea?

Rules of the Road--NOT!

I def chuckled when I read this letter to the editor, but the funniest part by far was the preface. Sometimes we just don't get it, do we?

Reader offers parody outlining driving advice
By Alcia Quiambao, Shannondale:

The following letter is a tongue-and-cheek piece and should not be taken as actual driving rule.

I appreciated a recent Journal Junction comment about poor driving skills. That got me to thinking, and I decided to list some of the horrible driving that makes me roll my eyes.
When making a right turn, always swing left into a large arc so you can scare the pants off of the oncoming drivers. Conversely, when making a left turn, swing right into the lane beside you. It keeps everyone awake.

Stop signs? Those are for the peons - not for you. A four-way stop sign? Treat those as a stare down at OK Corral. The first one who blinks loses his turn. Yellow light? I believe that means "slam the gas pedal down so far that your car leaves the ground."

On the interstate, always enter at 40 to 50 miles under the speed limit. You aren't living until you cut someone off and scare the heck out of them. Of course, if you miss your off ramp, never get off on the next ramp and head back. Oh, heck no, back up on the freeway! Those fools going the correct way should watch out for you. Make sure to straddle the yellow line or weave from lane to lane. That keeps the fools guessing! Also, it is very popular to weave in and out of traffic on the interstate, cutting people off.

If you need to turn onto a road, wait until the oncoming car is almost up to you. Then, pull out in front of it at 30 miles under the speed limit. After all, an adrenaline rush is good for them.
Right on red? It is supposed to mean right on red without affecting oncoming traffic, which has the right of way. But not around here. Go around that corner at 100 miles per hour on two wheels so that you can cut people off. And for those of you who are waiting for someone to make a right on red, show him how mature and in control you are by leaning on the horn and using those special finger gestures.

Always follow the car in front of you at 1 inch for every 10 mph you are going. The weak at heart call this tailgating, but what do they know?
I especially love when people turn on their car's left blinker and then turn right. We all love a good mystery. And by all means use those bright lights so you can burn out other people's retinas. There is an over abundance of seeing eye dogs that need homes.

And of course, there's the use of cell phones. Enough said.

No One Puts Cry Baby in the Corner

"From Inwood:

 Could The Journal please, please create a new section and call it Cry Baby Corner? It would be used exclusively by the cry baby Republicans and the Democrats that plain out don't like black people to voice their opinions. This will leave the rest of us to enjoy the ... Journal Junction. After one year of this rhetoric from these cry babies, enough is enough!"

Let me be clear: under Inwood's terms and conditions, if you're still writing to JJ blaming Bush for the rising gas prices, then you are probably NOT a cry baby. Right, Inwood?

One Small Crack for Egg, One Giant Break for Breakfast

"From South Berkeley:

The 40th anniversary of the invention of the Egg McMuffin is less than a year away and, hello, I wonder when we're going to hear about the plans the city of Martinsburg has to celebrate. Everybody made such a huge deal about the Wright Brothers a few years back, but this is a big milestone, too."

Duh, obvi.

A Mural Dilemma

I was recently alerted that another of the Journal's Gems (other than Journal Junction, obviously) are the online comment sections for news stories. I checked it out and WOW: some of the comments sections are far more entertaining than any daytime soaps and some--dare I say it--are even better than JJ. Below are some of my faves from one of today's hot news stories


"All this talk about sex and drugs is making me want to be rushed to the hospital. If the ambulance is a-rockin then don't come a-knockin!! "

 And today's post would hardly be complete without this little grammer[sic] lesson:

"I will not stand to be put down on this posting again for doing what any God Fearing person with murals should do."

"I too agree that the right thing was done. I just like to play the devil's advocate just for the sake of argument. Only one thing, when you say God-fearing person with murals, do you mean Wall Murals, Wallpaper Murals, Mural Wall Coverings or just paintings? Just want to make sure that I am completely clear on the situation. Thanks "

"Thanks for the grammer check.."

Quoteworthy: Governor Joe Manchin

From the front page of today's Martinsburg Journal

"This is one lame duck that will be quacking until the last minute..."

                   -Governor Joe Manchin

Congress: You Don't Have to Put on the Red Light

...or do you?

"From Falling Waters:

Concerning Sen. Ben Nelson of Nebraska's vote on the health care bill: Not all prostitutes are walking the streets."