Dysfunction Junction

Turn that Frown Upside Down

2011-02-02T09:16:00.002-05:00

From Jefferson County:

"Someone please tell the guy on NBC25 News he is not smiling, he is frowning!"

Silly newsman, don't you know that you're supposed to be grinning like the cheshire cat while you're reporting on death, destruction, and the decreasing dollar?

You Know You Missed Me

2011-02-01T15:16:00.001-05:00

Guess who's baaaaack?!?!?! So let's be frank here, Journal Junction was pretty awful for gee, I dont know, the past 9 months? Was Journal Junction on maternity leave or something?

Anyway, with the debut of a bigger, better JJ, I feel that it's my duty as a West Virginian (or am I a Virginian now) to once again showcase Journal Junction's finest faux pas in grammar, facts, and common sense.

Where do I even begin?

How about with an AMEN!

From Bunker Hill:

For all of you people who need to eat candy while you are in church: Please take it out of the wrapper and put it in a baggie so you don't disturb everyone around you. We came to hear the word of God.

Hold the presses. Are you referring to a PLASTIC bag?!

From Berkeley County:

In response to Delegate Doyle's HB2136 proposal to assess a 5-cent tax for each plastic bag received to carry your groceries: I have a suggestion for Doyle and his tax-and-spend junkies in Charleston ... why not submit a bill to assess politicians 5 cents for every time they open their mouth with a stupid idea to take more of my money? Heck, lets do this in every state. The deficit would be solved in a matter of months, and we'd end up with a surplus to sustain every entitlement program ever dreamed of by these goofballs! ...

Maybe we should just put a 10% tax on Church candy and call it a day.

Gaga-Gate

2010-03-18T13:54:00.001-04:00

The controversy surrounding Luke Loy's product launch party, or Gaga-Gate as I like to call it, has been the most entertaining thing in the Journal since the Surkamp Saga.

"You wouldn't believe the stir this has caused here. The kids in school are arguing about it, co-workers are arguing..."

However, since the Journal Powers That Be have been the fun police lately (i.e. lame Journal Junctions), they've closed down the comment sections. Luckily, though, the "Official" Adam Lambert site has a pretty entertaining forum on this hot debate: will Lady Gaga and Adam Lambert grace J. Co. with their presence? Stay tuned...

For the sake of everyone involved I really hope this event is for real. I also must confess that much like OK Magazine and Pop Rocks, Lady Gaga is one of my guilty pleasures. *hangs head in shame*

I Can't Work Under These Conditions

2010-03-12T13:07:00.003-05:00

For the past month or so, Journal Junction has been extremely dissappointing. Most days it's lack thereof or, when there more than 3 JJ's, they're either too long or just straight up LAME. It's getting to the point that Hints from Heloise is more entertaining. What's an anonymous blogger to do?!

I just can't work with material like this:

March 1

"From Martinsburg:

In 2008 and 2009, Social Security deducted $96.40 for my Medicare medical insurance. My deduction for 2010 is $221 per month, reducing my Medicare check by $125. So much for no tax increase for less than $250,000 a year."

Thanks for the math lesson: DON'T CARE!

March 5

"From Kearneysville:

The Potomac Market Place shopping center in beautiful downtown Ranson needs a gas station desperately. After shopping in Weis or perhaps eating a delicious meal at Panera's, you, as the handsome, above-average individual, come out to your vehicle and begin the trip home only to find the fuel needle touching "E." In a panic, where can you go? Charles Town? You'll never make. Kearneysville? You've got to be joking."

Above-Average Individual, Under-Average Intelligence

March 8

"From Martinsburg:

The Martinsburg Bon-Ton is giving away a free gift at the Elizabeth Arden counter when you spend $24.50 or more! It's a great value and the free gift has a lot of goodies."

Or I could just read the Bon-Ton circular that comes with the paper

March 11

"From Martinsburg:
To the Martinsburg caller complaining about Barack Obama's budget: This is the first time the costs of the two wars have been included in the budget. The prior administration funded the two wars with appropriation bills that added to the deficit. Then there was the program to subsidize the cost of prescription drugs for the elderly that benefited the drug companies and not the people. Also, you need to consider the 2004 policy of sending jobs overseas, so unemployment is not cheap. But, hey, the Republicans have the answer: Do away with Medicare so that the retired people can add to the profit of the health care companies."

Stop being a pansy and just write a letter to the editor

March 12

"From Arden:

Here's a suggestion for the Berkeley County Sewer Department: They can follow suit with the U.S. Postal Service and only flush five days a week, or build a second floor in their main office and rent out the space."

Close to being a good one, yet somehow misses the mark
I BEG of you, Journal Readers, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE come out of hibernation and start submitting some JJ's that give me a reason to cross the road and get my paper every morning.

I am faster than 80% of all snakes.

2010-02-17T14:05:00.000-05:00

When I saw this story on the front page of today's Journal, one name came to mind:

Dwight Schrute

Why don't cows have any money?

2010-02-12T15:10:00.001-05:00

Because farmers milk them dry.

"From Kearneysville:

Do you hear that ear-splitting moooo? It's only the Route 9 construction project being milked for all it's worth!"

And On Your Left is Looney Liberal Lane

2010-02-05T11:29:00.001-05:00

'From Martinsburg:

In response to the "Cry Baby Corner" caller: How about having a separate column called Looney Liberal Lane. Then you folks could have a section for radical ideas and morally compromising thought. Now that your savior, Barack Obama, isn't doing anything but taking us even further into debt after promising the world to you Kool-Aid drinkers, you move on to the next big thing, which apparently is labeling all white Republicans as racists."

Oh yeeeeeeaahhh!

Next on the Agenda, World Peace

2010-01-29T12:23:00.002-05:00

Street gangs worry leader: may lead to broken nails.

It seems as if our local Beauty Queen/Race Track Rep/D-Jefferson Delegate has decided to take on street gangs, but in a nice way.

"It's a graduated offense mechanism," Lawrence said, adding that the intent was to avoid further overcrowding of West Virginia's jails.

"In five years time, are we going to be saying we would've, should've, could've?"

"This is needed. I'm afraid that with drugs and alcoholism [AND GAMBLING], comes criminal activity."

Meet Your Average Voter

2010-01-27T16:35:00.000-05:00

"From Berkeley Springs:

I'm the reader who incorrectly stated that Shelly Moore Capito voted yes for the health care reform bill and then complained about how much it was going to cost. I would like to thank The Journal for clarifying my incorrect response, and I also would like to thank The Journal for helping me understand that Shelly Moore Capito is a Republican. Yes I will indeed vote for her this time. Thank you."

I just don't know where to begin: this makes my head hurt. I think it's time to start playing the SOTU Drinking Game now.

Padded Poles = Problem Solved

2010-01-26T14:45:00.002-05:00

Apparently one of Mainstreet's new campaigns should be teaching people how to walk.

"It's going to take more than "INVIO to get the downtown going. Need to get rid of the telephone wires and poles like our neighbor Charlestown did and build some nice condos."

You know, I just hate it when I'm out shopping and run smack dab into one of those pesky telephone poles. Perhaps the Brits have the right idea?

Rules of the Road--NOT!

2010-01-21T16:56:00.000-05:00

I def chuckled when I read this letter to the editor, but the funniest part by far was the preface. Sometimes we just don't get it, do we?

Reader offers parody outlining driving advice
By Alcia Quiambao, Shannondale:

The following letter is a tongue-and-cheek piece and should not be taken as actual driving rule.

I appreciated a recent Journal Junction comment about poor driving skills. That got me to thinking, and I decided to list some of the horrible driving that makes me roll my eyes.
When making a right turn, always swing left into a large arc so you can scare the pants off of the oncoming drivers. Conversely, when making a left turn, swing right into the lane beside you. It keeps everyone awake.

Stop signs? Those are for the peons - not for you. A four-way stop sign? Treat those as a stare down at OK Corral. The first one who blinks loses his turn. Yellow light? I believe that means "slam the gas pedal down so far that your car leaves the ground."

On the interstate, always enter at 40 to 50 miles under the speed limit. You aren't living until you cut someone off and scare the heck out of them. Of course, if you miss your off ramp, never get off on the next ramp and head back. Oh, heck no, back up on the freeway! Those fools going the correct way should watch out for you. Make sure to straddle the yellow line or weave from lane to lane. That keeps the fools guessing! Also, it is very popular to weave in and out of traffic on the interstate, cutting people off.

If you need to turn onto a road, wait until the oncoming car is almost up to you. Then, pull out in front of it at 30 miles under the speed limit. After all, an adrenaline rush is good for them.
Right on red? It is supposed to mean right on red without affecting oncoming traffic, which has the right of way. But not around here. Go around that corner at 100 miles per hour on two wheels so that you can cut people off. And for those of you who are waiting for someone to make a right on red, show him how mature and in control you are by leaning on the horn and using those special finger gestures.

Always follow the car in front of you at 1 inch for every 10 mph you are going. The weak at heart call this tailgating, but what do they know?
I especially love when people turn on their car's left blinker and then turn right. We all love a good mystery. And by all means use those bright lights so you can burn out other people's retinas. There is an over abundance of seeing eye dogs that need homes.

And of course, there's the use of cell phones. Enough said.

No One Puts Cry Baby in the Corner

2010-01-20T17:25:00.003-05:00

"From Inwood:

Could The Journal please, please create a new section and call it Cry Baby Corner? It would be used exclusively by the cry baby Republicans and the Democrats that plain out don't like black people to voice their opinions. This will leave the rest of us to enjoy the ... Journal Junction. After one year of this rhetoric from these cry babies, enough is enough!"

Let me be clear: under Inwood's terms and conditions, if you're still writing to JJ blaming Bush for the rising gas prices, then you are probably NOT a cry baby. Right, Inwood?

One Small Crack for Egg, One Giant Break for Breakfast

2010-01-19T13:13:00.001-05:00

"From South Berkeley:

The 40th anniversary of the invention of the Egg McMuffin is less than a year away and, hello, I wonder when we're going to hear about the plans the city of Martinsburg has to celebrate. Everybody made such a huge deal about the Wright Brothers a few years back, but this is a big milestone, too."

Duh, obvi.

A Mural Dilemma

2010-01-13T16:34:00.008-05:00

I was recently alerted that another of the Journal's Gems (other than Journal Junction, obviously) are the online comment sections for news stories. I checked it out and WOW: some of the comments sections are far more entertaining than any daytime soaps and some--dare I say it--are even better than JJ. Below are some of my faves from one of today's hot news stories

"All this talk about sex and drugs is making me want to be rushed to the hospital. If the ambulance is a-rockin then don't come a-knockin!! "

And today's post would hardly be complete without this little grammer[sic] lesson:

"I will not stand to be put down on this posting again for doing what any God Fearing person with murals should do."

"I too agree that the right thing was done. I just like to play the devil's advocate just for the sake of argument. Only one thing, when you say God-fearing person with murals, do you mean Wall Murals, Wallpaper Murals, Mural Wall Coverings or just paintings? Just want to make sure that I am completely clear on the situation. Thanks "

"Thanks for the grammer check.."

Quoteworthy: Governor Joe Manchin

2010-01-09T09:34:00.006-05:00

From the front page of today's Martinsburg Journal

"This is one lame duck that will be quacking until the last minute..."

-Governor Joe Manchin

Congress: You Don't Have to Put on the Red Light

2010-01-04T11:07:00.001-05:00

...or do you?

"From Falling Waters:

Concerning Sen. Ben Nelson of Nebraska's vote on the health care bill: Not all prostitutes are walking the streets."

Someone Sounds Unstable

2009-12-28T13:07:00.001-05:00

"From Hedgesville:

Would someone please inform the idiots on Interstate 81 that the left lane is for passing slower-moving traffic and not for use by slower traffic or by drivers who are sightseeing. It's ridiculous that you folks complain about tailgating when you literally have 20 to 30 cars piled up behind you. Do you ever stop and think that since you are holding up traffic that maybe you are the one with the problem? Learn how to drive, or keep your horse and buggy in the barn."

Sounds good Hedgesville. Let's keep the buggies on the backroads, so the I-81 runway is clear for the Lears.

Tiger + Cougar = Cheetah. Oh My!

2009-12-23T15:14:00.000-05:00

"From Martinsburg:

I am just calling about this whole Tiger Wood thing: People are already getting tired of hearing it. Instead of calling him Tiger, I think we just need to start calling him cheetah."

It's a jungle out there!

Tiger

Cougar

Cheetah

A Royal Flush

2009-12-23T11:28:00.001-05:00

"From Inwood:

To the caller from Inwood with the commode lid decision to make: This is a very, very septic problem that should be put in the hands of pros. Surely the United States Senate members are the only ones qualified to flush out this mess."

Amazing. Truly Amazing. Hats off (or should I say seat down) to you Inwood, you win.

Bed and Badger

2009-12-21T10:41:00.001-05:00

"From Glengary:
What's up with the Panhandle's bed and breakfasts and hotels and their irrational animal racism? My mother's Christmas visit isn't going to be very merry if I can't find a place willing to take a chance on a miniature badger. It makes me want to vomit!"

Let me get this straight: you're looking for lodging for this guy?

Why can't this cuddly little bundle of fur stay at YOUR house, Glengary?

The Commode Conundrum Continues

2009-12-18T15:19:00.000-05:00

I'm giving "Hedgesville" the benefit of the doubt here and assuming this JJ is dripping with sarcasm.

From Hedgesville:

For the Inwood caller who (understandably) finds indoor plumbing confusing, the "proper" position for the commode seat when not in use is seat up/lid down.

Regardless, I can't wait for when--not if, definitely when--someone submits a JJ explaining the difference between the toilet lid and the toilet seat, since "Hedgesville" obviously doesn't know the difference.

More Than a Dirty Shame

2009-12-17T16:11:00.000-05:00

"From Jefferson County:

To whoever was in charge of the Christmas parade lineup for Shepherdstown: I think it was a dirty shame that you had the horses before the bands. Their waste was all over the road and some of the kids almost stepped in it. From now on, I wish they would put the horses at the end of the parade."

Sounds like it was more than the shame that was dirty.

Potty Talk

2009-12-16T13:46:00.000-05:00

There aren't even words for this one...

"From Inwood:

Our family recently had a discussion on the position of the commode seat in our bathroom when it was not in use. Is it proper for both the seat and lid to be up or down, or should the lid be up and the seat down? Thank you for your advice."

But there is a picture:

Hi Pot, Meet Kettle

2009-12-16T12:53:00.002-05:00

"From Martinsburg:
Journal Junction callers sure do have a lot of time on their hands."

So if Journal Junction callers have too much time on their hands, and I am reading your comment in Journal Junction, than that means that you too, Martinsburg, have too much time on your hands.

Show and Tell with Sergeant Squirrel

2009-12-16T11:46:00.001-05:00

"From Berkeley County:

Could someone in the Eastern Panhandle please enlighten me as to how a nutcase can buy or own a gun?"

I bet this guy could help you out:

Lessons in Loungewear

2009-12-11T15:13:00.000-05:00

"From Martinsburg:

I see where those who have totally given up on their wardrobes and used to wear sweat pants now are running through the stores in lounge pants or as some people call them, sleep pants. Which is just what they are for, lounging at your house or sleeping, not shopping at the grocery store or going to Walmart. So get a grip and stay at home in the recliner on the porch or put some real clothes on before you go out."

Alright Martinsburg, time for a little fashion lesson. First of all, there is a BIG difference between loungewear and sleepwear--think Juicy Couture versus Joe Boxer. Not to mention, if you do indeed believe that sweat pants are preferable to lounge pants, I ask you to examine Exhibits A and B below.

Exhibit A: Lounge Pants

(Photo:Star Style Inc)

Exhibit B: Sweat Pants

(Photo: People of Walmart)

Now tell me again which you would rather run into at Wally World?

Driver's Ed: WV Style

2009-12-10T18:23:00.003-05:00

"From Hedgesville:

After living here for a few years, I finally found out the "rules" of driving. Never let anyone out - either the person behind you gets mad or the person you let out never thanks you. Drive as close as you can to the person in front of you, and if they don't go faster, yell out the window. ... Speed as fast as possible. ... Never get over on a narrow street, the other vehicle will. ..."

If you have any tips or tales about driving in WV, feel free to share them in the comment section!

Oh No They Didn't

2009-12-10T18:00:00.000-05:00

Oh yes they did!

"From Martinsburg:

It's called a recession when your neighbor gets laid off. It's called a depression when you get laid off. It will be called an economic recovery when Barack Obama loses his job."

I know I said I would do my best to stay out of politics--at the National level anyway--but I just couldn't resist posting this one.

Bah Humbug

2009-12-08T18:41:00.002-05:00

"From Shepherdstown:

I feel the Christmas in Shepherdstown celebration should have been canceled. This event is a waste of time, a waste of the town's money and a waste of the resources. This should be discontinued permanently."

Apparently Scrooge moved to Shepherdstown.

Feuding Flags

2009-12-07T16:25:00.003-05:00

After 3 JJ posts, I finally drove past Essroc to see for myself what the deal was with these flags. For the record, I'm 99.9% sure they're actually the same height...

Journal Junction, November 27, 2009

"From Harpers Ferry:

Take a drive into Martinsburg by the K-Mart. Then have a long look at the flag flying on the top of the huge tower that belongs to the concrete or whatever company. It's a Mexican flag and it is higher than the American flag! Does anyone else see a problem with this?"

Journal Junction, December 5, 2009

"From Martinsburg;
To Harpers Ferry caller: That is an Italian flag flying over Essroc, which is an Italian company. Learn your flags!"

Journal Junction, December 7, 2009

"From Martinsburg:

The concrete plant has an Italian flag flying from the top of the tower. Maybe you should educate yourself on the flags of the world, before you go spouting off about something you "know." The tower is an eyesore, not the flag."

MEXICAN FLAG

ITALIAN FLAG

To defend Harpers Ferry (which I can't believe I'm doing) the Mexican and Italian flags do look similar. I would imagine this is especially true when you're speeding down Route 9, drinking Starbucks, talking on your cell phone, craning your neck out the car window, looking for a complaint to submit to Journal Junction.

Sleeping Kitty, Hidden Doggy

2009-12-03T13:59:00.006-05:00

"From Gerrardstown:

To the caller concerned about the disappearing cats in Martinsburg: Here's your tip: It is the "cat napper" (sic)."

Touché Gerrardstown. Cat Burglar would have been the obvious choice, but you have exceeded DJ expectations with your retort. The cat napping comment is creative and you used a "sic" *swoon*.

Sarah Palin Cheesecake?

2009-11-30T18:56:00.000-05:00

"From Berkeley Springs:

The Sarah Palin cheesecake makes more sense than global warming and carbon dioxide pollution."

Do you by chance have the recipe for that? From your description I'm hoping it's no-bake and organic! Why just today I found a recipe for Hillary Clinton Russian Tea Cakes; I wonder if Sarah Palin can see those from her house???

It's More Than a Feeling

2009-11-30T18:12:00.004-05:00

Did I not promise quality JJ's during Hunting Season?

"From Berkeley Springs:

Seems the Chestnut Hill Road caller equates liking country life with also liking the killing, maiming and torture of our wildlife. You people destroy all that is beautiful in our world. Remember one thing, the wildlife belongs to all of us and many of us hate your recreational feeling."

Every time I read this entry, I get that Boston song stuck in my head: only my version goes something like this:

I looked out this morning and the fog was gone

Put on some camo to start my day

I lost myself in a familiar woods

I load my gun and I hike away

It's more than a feeling

(More than a feeling)

When I see that the first deer of the day

(More than a feeling)

I begin aiming
(More than a feeling)

'Til I see that 12 point run away

So many whitetail have come and gone

Their antlers grow as the years go by

Yet I still recall as I wander on

As clear as the sites on my .45

It's more than a feeling

When I'm tired and getting cold

I hide in my treestand, forget the day

And dream of what could be on my wall

I closed my eyes and he gets away

He gets away

It's more than a feeling

(More than a feeling)

When I see that the first deer of the day

(More than a feeling)

I begin aiming
(More than a feeling)

'Til I see that 12 point run away

(More than a feeling)

When I see that the first deer of the day

(More than a feeling)

I begin aiming
(More than a feeling)

'Til I see that 12 point run away

Bambi--It's What's for Dinner

2009-11-25T20:37:00.001-05:00

"From Martinsburg:

To the caller from Martinsburg: Don't worry, I won't shoot the small bucks. I will leave them for you or until they grow big. I will shoot the does, they are better eating."

I wish all hunters a safe and happy hunting season, and I encourage all of the anti-hunting crowd to please, PLEASE voice your concerns via Journal Junction. I think some of my all-time favorite JJ's have appeared around this time of year: remember the great debate over crosswalks for deer? I rest my case.

He Said, That She Said, That They Said

2009-11-25T20:15:00.007-05:00

"From Charles Town:

To the person confused about South Jefferson Elementary: Keri Mahoney is the head teacher. Is Obama "president" or "commander in chief"? ... Now, about the "Red Zone." Were you aware that South Jefferson has literally doubled in size in the last few years? ... The students need to be guided to specials and lunch, usually several classrooms at a time, and maintaining a quiet "no talking" rule has served its purpose well this year. ..."

Who? What?? Huh??? I read this one several times over breakfast, and even after 3 cups of coffee I was still confused. Exactly how many JJ's is this person responding to? Not to mention, are there actually any properly structured sentences in their comment?

Car Wars: Shannondale Snaps Back

2009-11-23T16:55:00.003-05:00

On November 12 "Martinsburg" laid down the gauntlet:

"From Martinsburg:

I have owned 10 cars in my life, and every one of them was made by an American company in America by Americans. How many other Americans can say that?"

Today, "Shannondale" threw it right back at 'em:

"From Shannondale:

To the Martinsburg caller who has owned 10 American-made cars: I have only owned a couple of cars in my life and I am 50 years old. The reason that I have only owned a couple is because they were made in Japan."

Oh SNAP!

Mystery Mastodon

2009-11-20T18:39:00.004-05:00

I love when after 3 weeks or so, someone finally snaps and tells it like it is. Hopefully this JJ puts an end to the school lunch saga.

From Charles Town:

It is a well-known fact that school lunches are just gross. They have been gross since the beginning of time, cavemen probably ate gross lunches. So to all the people that are acting like this is something new: I am sure that you ate nasty school lunches and your parents never called in whining and complaining. If you are that concerned about them do as I do and pack your child's lunch so you will know it is good and healthy.

DJ salutes you "Charles Town" for your witty, straightforward, sarcastic (but not too sarcastic) retort.

Surkamp's "Blue Moon" Trumps Twilight's "New Moon"

2009-11-19T16:32:00.000-05:00

And the Jim Surkamp saga continues: today's JJ devoted 4 whole entries to him! Tragically, only one of those was actually DJ-worthy.

"From Ranson:

Anyone who believes Jim Surkamp's explanation of why he tried to vote twice in the zoning election will believe that the moon is made of green cheese."

Silly Ranson, everyone knows that the moon is made of BLUE cheese.

Lake of Fire: Commercial or Residential?

2009-11-18T14:08:00.003-05:00

From Middleway:

I want to thank the Godly people in Jefferson County who voted no for the zoning. I am a devoted Christian and a true believer in God. All I can say is God made it all possible. Thanks again, and may God bless you.

So what exactly does that make the people who voted for zoning?

Vote Early and Vote Often

2009-11-17T13:07:00.004-05:00

"Vote early and often, unless you're a [fill in opposing party] then you vote on Wednesday."
-Anon

"From Harpers Ferry:

In regard to Jim Surkamp trying to vote twice on that referendum because he wanted to see how the system works: I think maybe we need to show him how the system works, and that voting twice is illegal."

Local political scandals are truly like front page Journal Junctions.

Happy Birthday Mothman!

2009-11-16T15:51:00.001-05:00

Thanks to The Journal for the heads-up that this month marks the 43rd birthday of Mothman: who is perhaps my favorite piece of West Virginia folklore.

If Wikipedia is accurate (which is laughable) his birthday was actually November 12, 1966, so I'm a few days late. Hopefully, though, this rather frightening "cryptid" won't hold that against me and show up rap tap tapping at my window tonight.

Since there aren't any gift guides out for "What to get your Mothman for under $20" I suggest reading the book or watching the movie, and just have a good old fright in his horror--I mean honor.

Big Brother Needs a MLA Guide

2009-11-16T11:16:00.002-05:00

"From Berkeley Springs:

Anyone who believes that you have total control over their computer is not facing reality."

If Big Brother is indeed controlling your computer, I'd think the least he could do is fix your grammar.

Trains, Planes, or Tyra Banks?

2009-11-12T12:47:00.001-05:00

"From Martinsburg:

Does anyone know where I can get models repaired?"

Dear Martinsburg, could you be any more vague? For all we know you could be in the market for anything from Botox to a new caboose.

BYO Phone Book

2009-11-09T15:54:00.002-05:00

"From Ranson:

To the Berkeley County caller: If the Jefferson County commission has to pay Leslie Smith anything close to a half of million dollar settlement, you may have to revert to corncob or Bring Your Own Toilet Paper."

We're civilized here in the Eastern Panhandle; we prefer Yellow Pages to corncobs.

And it looks like the way things are progressing in JCo. they're going to have to change the Yellow Pages slogan from "let your fingers do the walking."

You Think You Know, But You Have No Idea

2009-11-06T17:02:00.000-05:00

"From South Berkeley County:

To the person or people complaining about school lunches being chicken or fish: You should be thankful that you know it is chicken or fish. When I was in school, we had something that would be brown that we were told was mystery meat."

My question is: do you really know that it's chicken or fish? How many times have you heard the phrase "tastes just like chicken"? Just something to think about...

Wanted: Gnome-nappers

2009-11-05T15:51:00.001-05:00

"From Martinsburg:

To the deserving people who took 18 of my collection of gnomes: I'm so sorry to take the fun out of your stealing games, but I took the remainder of them inside. I would rather have given them to you if you'd have asked. Once a thief, always a thief. God help you. He knows who you are."

What's more bizarre than having 18+ gnomes in your yard? Finding 163,000 Google results for "gnome napping."

Welcome to the Cesspool

2009-11-04T12:44:00.000-05:00

From Jefferson County:

This nation is slowly sliding into a cesspool of extinction.

...and Journal Junction is the diving board.

It Pays to Get Fired

2009-11-04T08:44:00.000-05:00

From Charles Town:

Would the Jefferson County commissioners please fire me? I could really use the $600,000.

Who needs table games when you can just get fired?!

I Prefer My TP Perforated

2009-11-03T08:58:00.002-05:00

From Berkeley County:

Since the Jefferson County Commission micromanages everything in the county including building projects, are the restrooms in public buildings going to be equipped with detachable, perforated toilet paper or that annoying pull and rip variety? Further study may be needed.

I'm willing to wager that there will be at least one JJ response where someone takes this issue seriously.

Please Fact Check

2009-10-30T18:13:00.001-04:00

From Inwood:

I understand now how President Barack Obama got elected after reading some of the comments in Journal Junction. Some people will believe anything.

Whether you are on team O or not: West Virginia went for McCain, which kind of ruins your theory.

ZZZZZZzzzzzz......

2009-10-29T16:08:00.003-04:00

From Hedgesville:

In reference to the northbound exit ramp at Exit 20 on Interstate 81: Vehicles turning east at the light are not stopping for the red light. This is extremely dangerous.

To the good people of the Eastern Panhandle: this is the best you can do? Come now, I know you have better (read: more entertaining) things to complain about than exit ramps.

While JJ has been snoozeville the past few days, I'm glad to see that the Martinsburg Police Department's blog, is still good for a chuckle or two. Speaking of laughing, what's with the happy mugshots? Did someone hire Captain Kangaroo to be the photographer? The only thing this fool should be happy about, is the fact that West Virginia doesn't have the death penalty (Photo: Martinsburg Journal).

This isn't the Oscars

2009-10-28T16:36:00.000-04:00

From Ranson:

My 94 year-old grandmother wanted me to send this. She says she is tired of hearing all the complaints that go in Journal Junction. She wants to hear something positive for a change. Let's commend the military personnel, firefighters and police officers who risk their lives so that we don't have to live in fear. Thank the doctors for saving lives, and applaud those in the school systems who teach our children to grow up to be educated so that they can one day give back to their communities as well.

Oh Grandma, JJ frequently has entries that acknowledge good deeds, jobs well done, and some even promote charitable donations (i.e. replacing a girl's stolen bicycle). But let's be honest: no one wants to sit down and read a bunch of sappy thank you notes over coffee, so save your "thank you's" for the Academy Awards.

Table Games on the Table: Know Your Voters

2009-10-27T23:15:00.001-04:00

From Charles Town:

Charles Town Races & Slots wants the people to vote in table games, but what about the people who are out there who already have a gambling problem?

Call me crazy, but I bet they vote "Yes."

It's Called Sarcasm--Get It?

2009-10-26T16:49:00.000-04:00

From Falling Waters:

In response to the Falling Waters person commenting on my comment about blinkers being an optional accessory: Of course it was a joke! My 7-year-old knows sarcasm when she hears it. I hope that no one in the Eastern Panhandle actually thinks that this comment was meant to be serious. My apologies if it was taken as such!

Did this person ever stop to consider that perhaps the responses were sarcastic as well?

Hot Diggity Dog

2009-10-24T12:45:00.004-04:00

Today's JJ had not one, not two, but 3 entries devoted to hot dogs. Why you ask? They all stemmed from this comment on October 21:

From Berkeley County:

This past weekend was a holiday weekend, Columbus Day, and there were no hot dogs or anything at the rest areas. Me and my children did not have anything to eat this weekend. I think they should have that every weekend.

While a primary entry may warrant a chuckle, it's generally the follow up comments that are really entertaining.
From Today's Journal:

From Martinsburg:

To the caller complaining about no hot dogs at the rest area: If you had money to buy gas to get there and back plus money for a donation, then you had the money to go buy a pack of hot dogs and cook them yourself. It probably would have been cheaper.

From Berkeley County:

Instead of munching on the free hot dogs, perhaps the caller from Berkeley County should spend time learning the English language. It's my children and I. Maybe if you spoke the king's English, you could get a job to feed your kids.

From Martinsburg:

In regard to the hotdogs: They are given out in hopes that the recipient will donate some money to the organization that is sponsoring the refreshment stand. If you feel that the hotdogs are there for you to take your children out for dinner, then maybe you should donate some time at the local soup kitchen and take your children. Then, when you are done donating your time at the kitchen, that's when you and your children be allowed to partake in the dinner.

I wonder how long this hot dog debate will continue? I'm pretty sure crosswalks for deer were discussed for at least a month. I give hot dogs 'til Veterans Day.

Luxury Steamer Anyone?

2009-10-23T12:02:00.001-04:00

From Martinsburg:

My grandchildren's futures are being mortgaged for luxury steamer ovens for schools in Hagerstown. Another use of federal stimulus money that sure won't provide jobs, now or ever. Surreal. We need to vote for change all right.

When I first read this JJ, I just saw the words "luxury steamer" and couldn't understand why someone would be writing in about cruise ships. Then I saw that it was followed by "oven," but what is a steamer oven anyway?

Thanks Google:

Obviously it's a Housewarming Gift!

2009-10-22T11:57:00.000-04:00

From Martinsburg:

To the person who dropped the TV off next to the for sale sign on Burke Street: Where is the recliner? Oh, wait a minute, that probably still is sitting on your front porch with you in it. You are a disgusting human.

What, you've never heard of a housewarming gift? Let's be honest: wouldn't you much rather have a TV than a fruit basket? Let's just hope they included the remote.

Welcome to Wild, Wonderful Dysfunction Junction!

2009-10-22T11:41:00.001-04:00

Every morning, the first thing I read in the Martinsburg Journal is this lovely little section in the editorials called Journal Junction (JJ). From politics to pest control, you never know what you'll find inside JJ! I consider it a good morning when I flip open the paper and there is an entire page devoted to these sometimes shameful, but always entertaining anonymous comments. Many a Monday morning email chain has been devoted to a particular entry, so I feel it's time to step things up. On this blog I will share my favorite post each day (ok I'll try REALLY hard to post every day but Sunday--no JJ on Sundays) along with my thoughts and hopefully yours too.